i feel that i will emerge from it a different person, not through superficialities like the color of my hair or the tone of my skin, but from my soul, if it is a soul i possess. or perhaps not a different person, but one with more depth and substance.
i have learned to be self-reliant. i thought i had learned this in previous years, but the lesson had been hammered home this time, ingrained bone-deep in my being. everything i do, i do alone, and i have learned to be comfortable with my self, by myself. it is not as bleak as it appeared to be at first, and i enjoy my own company. i feel not as if i am withdrawing further into myself, i am simply becoming more defined as the person i shall be.
i cannot wholly count on anyone, except for myself. i am the only person who puts me first, and therefore i am unable to trust anyone completely.
at work, i have discovered a hitherto-unknown dimension to my personality: eternal cheerfulness. i am a continual ray of concentrated sunshine, gleaming on everyone who glances my way. behind the smile, i mock the annoying customers for their petty ways, but i never let my facade slip. apparently i can be a damn good actress when i choose to.
still, sometimes i grow disgusted of my routine, of my self. some small part of me cries out for sand, sun, crashing waves, drinks with little umbrellas in them, and everything else that makes up a perfect summer. so every now and then i think of what i don't have. and i think of this summer, my summer. and i realize that, if i had the perfect summer, i wouldn't be me.
that's not who i am, what i'm destined to have. i like my way better, solitary though it may be. i am stronger than all of that. and i am proud of what i am. nothing and nobody can change that. they can't make me feel less of myself, make me feel ashamed of what i am. i care not for the opinions of others. this is more of me than there has ever been before.
1 Comments:
i know that i shouldn't be offended by this; i should congratulate you on your strides in obtaining recognition of self and the pleasure of your own company. despite this, i feel rather left out of your life- out of the loop i once tried so desperately to stay a part of. i suppose that's what happens when friends leave for college and come back. in their absence, so much happens that you couldn't explain it all, or you may just not want to recount those tales with your old friends because they'd be about as meaningless as a single fish in an overpolluted aquarium.
maybe i'm still stuck on my abandonment issues from previous tidings, but in all seriousness i feel burned. friend after friend leaves, hardly ever to speak to me again. and when i try to iniate conversation with a few cronies? i feel like i'm being clingy and needy, annoying, and thus i get that guilty feeling. maybe i'm in need of a summer like yours... however, when i don't see friends for a while, and when i want alone time, they force themselves upon me. not to mention, my family gets a bit huffy, deciding i'm depressed and antisocial. just because i do that doesn't mean... nevermind. they're absolutely right.
anyway, enough with me confessing how bad of a friend i am, and on to bigger and brighter things. care to go with me and dan to rocky horror this saturday night?
<3 mich
By
Anonymous, at 2:44 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home