well, actually it's been said many times before, and probably will be said again, but that will be at some hazy, soi-disant point in the future, because i don't have that many friends now. i may not be a great friend, but i will take care of the friends that i've got. sometimes i don't understand what people do the things that they do, or why, and maybe that's why it's hard for me to be friends. or maybe i don't know what people think of me. i'm not really sure.
can't my life just happen without me? i don't know what i want, but it's easier for me to sometimes see what i don't want. it would be so easy to not do my life, to be a passive participant. even that damn fortune cookie i ate tonight seems to be encouraging, or rather discouraging, me. it said, "depart not from the path that fate has you assigned." when i read it, it pissed me off. i'd like to do what i like, not what someone tells me to.
and of course, it's so easy to wonder what it would've been like, if i hadn't done what i did. i question my choices all the damn time. i thought that if i had a boyfriend, all my problems would be solved. everything else would fall naturally into place. i was inhumanly stupid about the whole thing, just because i didn't speak my mind. i went along with it all, and of course now i see that i did the wrong thing. but if i hadn't made my mistakes then, i wonder if i would've been setting myself up for an even bigger fall, further down the line. i might've married the first guy i fucked. and that would've been a criminal mistake.
so i puzzle over the same question; what price innocence? is it better to remain ignorant and happy, or acquire knowledge, with all the pain that entails? i don't consider it to be a garden of eden argument by any means, but it means a lot to me, because i will never know the answer. was it better to be happy and deluded, constantly pushing all inquiring thoughts to the back of my mind, or wake up alone one very cold and gray april morning, bruised, scratched, and bleeding?
whatever the case, i just can't imagine being without the knowledge i have now. but i still keep asking myself that stupid question. oh well. we make mistakes, we learn from them. in my case, i made the same mistake over and over again before i finally got it, but what can i say. i must be a slow learner.
so i'm not doing that anymore. i don't talk to other people, i have no friends on campus, if you consider a friend a person you talk to and hang out with on a regular basis. i eat alone in my room. it used to be because i was afraid of seeing people i knew, but now it's just because i don't like any of these people, and i feel like everyone's watching me. of course, when i was home during winter break, i was afraid of going anywhere in hockessin, in case i saw someone i knew, or used to know. and then, inevitably, i did, and it was incredibly anticlimactic and stupid. and it's the same here. so you see someone you used to know, no big deal. you've moved on, and hopefully, so have they. it doesn't matter what they say, think, or do about you. you just have to keep going.
2 Comments:
Thanks for fulfilling my request!! Because, *I* (oooh, emphasis) care. Don't feel so strung out. We are birds of a feather when it comes to this stuff. I eat alone at the cafeteria because I realize that I hate everyone on campus. I think I'm slowly being harassed too...
Anyways, people walk by me hoping that you won't recognize them, it's okay, cause no one likes to talk to their stinkin' skanky ass anyways! I mean, some people might want to aknowledge me, but I never seek them.
Going back to the main issue, Jojofu, you never made any mistakes in your life. People just change and so do their views. And we all know that those that don't agree with us, suck. They suck major monkey balls and that's that!
Show me some love!! ::chu::
By
Anonymous, at 4:17 PM
So how's your sister?
By
Anonymous, at 11:19 PM
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