i need to get out of here. i know i only have to wait until friday, but it feels like such a long time right now. and i have so much i need to do before that.
i am not strong. i live in my room. maybe there's something i want to do, but i won't do it, because i have noone to go with, and i won't go by myself. i've done that before, and it wasn't worth it. it wasn't fun. i think i might like to have some friends, to do stuff with.
so, this is just like every other lonely sad sack out there, bitching and moaning that they have no friends. another statistic. jump off a building. slit your wrists. noone cares.
someone told me that there's a common theme i have. it's that since a lot of the things i've done have failed, and i get a mental block about them, and think that since they haven't worked in the past, they won't work now, so i might as well not even try. it strikes me that this applies to many different aspects of my life, not just the one that they were talking about.
...well, gosh, i haven't been funny at all in this entry. what is the purpose of my blog, if not to entertain? so here's a funny story. last night, jenny and i went to salsa dancing. we go there sometimes for fun. i hadn't been there since last november. her friend, this guy she knows, was there also. so the two of us are sitting there, and jenny turns to me and says, "you know, he's a nice guy. i think the two of you would be great together." the first thing i thought to myself was, hey! no pressure! so, under protest, i danced with him once, and felt like a pet poodle being led through its paces. i salsa for fun. maybe this guy does too, i'm not saying he doesn't, but if he does do it for fun, he's very serious about having fun. i wouldn't say he was an expert, but close enough as makes near no nevermind. he knew the names of the turns and everything. so i'm already feeling kinda uncomfortable, because jenny is obviously trying to set the two of us up, and this is one of those situations i can't finesse my way out of. so i sit back down, and jenny wants me to go dance with the guy again. barring being inside a boeing 747 several thousand feet up in the air in the middle of a tropical storm, this is about rock bottom on joanna's list of things she wants to have happen to her ever again.
but one of those nice hispanic guys asks me to dance, and then another one does, and soon enough, jenny's friend (who was conversing with her in the corner) comes over to ask me for another dance.
now, salsa is not always a forgiving dance. the basic step's easy enough, but if you're tense, you're not gonna get anywhere, especially if you're the female, who is supposed to be led gracefully around the dance floor by the strong manly man. and when i get stressed, i tense up like nobody's business. so, much humiliation ensued. it was most definitely not my finest hour, and probably the worst first impression i've ever made on someone. i giggled inanely, i chortled to hide the fact that i was terrified of screwing up, i spun the wrong way, became increasingly red of face, put all of my limbs (hands AND feet!) in the wrong place or position any number of times; in short, i looked like an idiot. afterwards, when i was getting some water and trying to crawl into the bottom of the styrofoam cup, i returned to my seat to find out that apparently, i was difficult. "at being led," jenny clarified helpfully. whatshisname sorta nodded. i was heartily in agreement with this statement. i was feeling that i ought to have been drowned at birth. jenny was right, this guy was nice. being called difficult is undoubtably the nicest non-compliment (see, it's not even an insult!) i have ever received. the nice guy proceeded to admire my bangle bracelets. i thanked him, and he said that it made it easier for him to catch me when i went in the wrong direction. i decided to take it as a joke. i mentally kicked myself, beat myself with a tire iron, and even lit myself on fire for a little while, then managed to physically vent my feelings by doing the booty call dance with dangerous enthusiasm.
i couldn't help but feel that the whole ludicrous situation was a little too reminiscent of an austen novel. i have never had so much fellow feeling for lizzy bennett before. afterwards, i felt awful, not just because i had made a complete and utter ass of myself, but because i was sure that i had disappointed my best friend. jenny had already been envisioning us as a happy, hand-holding couple, and i had let her down by being inadequate. maybe i'm reading too much into this whole thing, i'm not trying to make every little contretemps into a tragedy or anything like that, it's just that jenny's my best friend, and i know she has my best interests at heart. i just wish that the urge to do some matchmaking had come on in a club, or a coffeehouse, or the bottom of the atlantic. anywhere but there. whenever i think about it, i have these huge laughing fits. i think i scared my suitemate earlier by laughing stridently for no apparent reason while i was flossing. it really was too awful.
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