Sunday, December 10, 2006

get high on a buzz on a rush when i'm plugged in you

my roommate moved out last night. when i sit and look, you can see the life, the colors, stretching out along the walls, until all you see is that horrible off-white. an empty bed. a lone desk and chair. a glass vase ($2.95 at wal-mart) that i bought and filled with red roses for her, to apologize, the night that it started. the roses are still there. they're not red anymore, they're shriveled, crumpled in on themselves, the color of very old blood. if i was to touch them, i know they would fall to pieces underneath my fingers. this is why i don't have relationships. i have a startling lack of ability to judge people, to accurately predict how they will act when introduced into a sitation. glad to see the back of her, but i can't help but wonder: is the devil i know better than the one i don't?
pointless speculation at this point; i just have no idea who i'll be living with for the next half of the year, or even when she'll move in. is she a new transfer student? a christian fundamentalist who doesn't believe in birth control and goes nightly to the catholic campus ministry? kleptomaniac? ditzy blonde with a phone bill more expensive than her latest designer handbag? does she have a live-in boyfriend? incessant hordes of bitchy, talkative friends? i have no idea. the only thing i know for certain is that she is female.
i enjoy the silence. i can leave the lights on for as long as i want; i can watch spaceballs at 4 a.m. with the sound up. i can turn the heater on. and turn it off again ten minutes later, because its only settings are 'off' and 'sahara.' nothing exists outside of this room. it's a bright warm spot in the dark.
i'm going to enjoy this. i have no idea how much longer it will last.

# posted by LucyHoneychurch | 1:19 AM

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